Dear readers, I am back. I know, I wasn’t really ‘away’ so-to-speak – certainly not for as long as I’d intended but long enough I think, to know where my head is and what I need to do to get myself back on track. I’ve learned a few things over the last few days and I believe the title of my previous post, was a bit ominous because this time, things really are changing.
To begin with, let me just get the biggest realisation I made, off my chest. I did not cope on my own. The first day wasn’t too bad, there were some issues – the main one being that we were all full of the flu, however that evening I completely broke down. Neither me or The Beef had any sleep, due to sick children and coughing fits – the arguments we had in between didn’t help either. He agreed to stay home the following day to help and that’s when I realised how selfish I had been behaving. That poor man had been doing everything in his power, to provide for his family and every time I had been putting obstacles in the way, because I couldn’t be big enough to go and get the help I needed, when I had the chance to.
So, this morning I went to the doctors. I was brutally honest with her and explained how I just can’t seem to cope, how it’s effecting my relationship with The Beef and the children, in ways I can’t even describe. I explained the constant exhaustion, the lack of enthusiasm, the endless worry and my continuing habit of avoiding things that make me uncomfortable. I went so far as to beg her for antidepressants – the one thing that I haven’t yet tried.
The result was slightly different from what I had expected. Instead of being fobbed off, she actually listened to me. She understood the situation and saw things from my point of view. To being with, she’s starting me off on a low dose of anti-anxiety tablets. I’m also having my blood sugar and thyroid checked next week, to rule out any underlying medical issues, that could be contributing to this constant low in mood. She also had a look in my ear – the one that’s been driving me to the point of distraction with pain for the last two weeks. After one look, a resounding “Yuk!” and a quick swab for infection, she promptly informed me that I had swelling in the ear canal and that it was potentially infected. She then went on to scold me for not going in sooner, before prescribing me with ear drops. I was well and truly told.
But now comes the biggest decision. I’m going to look for work myself. I know, I’ve been here before but this time is different. I don’t think The Beef can take much more of this and even my doctor agreed that it would be good, for me to be out of the house. It will help me get over my anxiety, with the help of the tablets – I mean there’s nothing like having the job-centre on your back to make you proactive right? More importantly though, I think I need this. I’ve been stuck at home for three and a half years, allowing my fears and anxieties to fester. I’ve turned into the shouty, impatient mum that I said I wouldn’t ever be, so going back to work is more than just getting some space, it’s finding who I really am again.