Image by Jack Fussell
I was going to write about the science behind anxiety today. I had it a planned in rough notes, with little illustrations to make it easy-going on the reader. It is interesting stuff and something I really wanted to share with you all, after learning about it in my last group therapy session. However, I no longer have the energy to write it.
It’s around 6:30 am on a Saturday morning. My three-year old son is sat in the armchair opposite me, eyes glued to the cartoons after waking at five o clock and refusing to go back to sleep. He won’t eat his breakfast – despite the raging hunger I can hear in his stomach and his eyes are red from lack of sleep, yet nothing will make him go back upstairs to bed. I worry that he’s going to starve himself. He’s such a thin little thing and barely eats as it is but I can’t make him, in the same way that I can’t make him stay in bed to get the sleep that he needs.
The twins have just been put into their cots, after a night of constant waking. One will wake up the other and the night proceeds in a disjointed routine of bottle feeding, nappy checking, rocking and singing. I’ll get one off to sleep and then the other will wake up, screaming as if I’ve hurt him or her in some way. She doesn’t want a bottle, he doesn’t need his nappy changed, she doesn’t care that I rock her, as long as I am holding her, he just wants to lay on my bed, clapping his hands and screams blue murder if I lay him back down in his cot. They used to be such good sleepers – sleeping through from 9 weeks old. I guess it was too good to be true.
I sit now, catching myself nodding off as I write this. My stomach groans with the kind of hunger you get, when you’ve been awake all night. Can’t sleep now though. The three-year old is throwing a tantrum because he wants biscuits instead of breakfast. I try my best to remain firm – to concentrate on the rules me and The Beef have set in place. We’re both too tired to argue though, so we give in.
Over the course of the night, we snapped at each other with a sleep-deprived irritability. I criticised, he shouted, I cried, he sighed, I cried some more and admitted that I thought I would be better off dead. He looked at me with that lost look he has, when he doesn’t know what to say.
We’ve been doing this routine for the past fortnight, neither of us getting much more than a couple of hours sleep between us. We both know that we can’t go on much more like this, but there is no-one else to take the strain, no family to come and help out when we need them the most. They’re good at criticising and pointing out where we’re going wrong, but through their little window into our lives, they don’t see our dysfunctional world of sleep deprivation. They aren’t there to help when in the small hours, all that we want to do is crash and sleep.
I have a mug of steaming coffee sat next to me. It will take many more of these before I will feel awake enough to cope today, but like many other parents out there, who go through this nightly battle, we carry on. Why? Because we have no other option.
What are your experiences of sleep deprivation? Did you manage to crack the night-waking code? Are the members of your family supportive and give you a break once in a while, or do they expect you to carry on running on empty? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
I just wanted to say I feel your pain, sister. I blogged about here just the other day: http://muminthesouth.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/a-story-about-not-sleeping.html – There are five of us too, and sleep is a scratchy, resentful blanket which rarely covers toes in this house. It’s so hard to remember what the world looks like after eight hours sleep. Hang in there. Sod the rules. Do whatever is kindest. x
Thanks a lot for dropping by. Your comment got lost in my spam filter, so apologies for the late reply.
Just had a read of your post – this almost describes us perfectly! Since I wrote the post, we’ve just gone to bed expecting to not get any sleep. This is the attitude we took when the twins were first born, and it saw us through well then. It’s just a big slap in the face when you think you’ve cracked the sleep thing and then something that turns out to be an ear infection in the eldest, and colds in the other two, send you spiralling back downwards.
Thanks you though for your words of encouragement. We’ll get there!
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I’m really hoping it’s just teething. Twin boy is cutting his fifth and sixth and I’ve a feeling twin girl is starting to cut her first. She’s really not taking it well. Turns out 3 year old has an ear infection too, which explains his lack of appetite and poor sleeping.
Funny thing is I coped okay when the twins were small! Madness. I certainly won’t be having any more!
Oh my DAYS, you are an absolute trooper. I felt like my entire life was over when Bean wouldn’t sleep. It’s only the last few months that he’s slept OK… but he still wants to climb in my bed at 3am and refuses to budge. NOW he’s starting to be scared of the dark / bad dreams so just getting him to bed is becoming hard work. And HELL no does anyone help out, haha, that’d be nice wouldn’t it?? I have no words of advice… just keep strong, keep the coffee coming and keep your fingers crossed
xxx
Funny, Big Bro has started being scared of the dark and having bad dreams. He gets night terrors too, so we’ve got him a night-light to try and reassure him. Turns out though that he’s got an ear infection. The twins? Think they’re just teething coupled with a cold. All at the same time though! I could do without that. We still plod on though don’t we?
It’s so hard – especially when you are doing it alone. My first slept through from 6 weeks. Still likes her full 12 hours 11 years later. But my son didn’t sleep through until he was year. He woke hourly for feeding and it really does affect you the next day. He seeps now – but is a very early riser so I’m stil a morning zombie.
Hope the teething is quick and the earache clears up too x
My twin girl sounds very much like your son. Out of the three of them, she is the one who wakes the most and is the most difficult to settle back down again. It really is hard isn’t it? I’m really not a morning person either – never have been. I prefer staying up late (due to insomnia) and sleeping late, but obviously with children that’s impossible. So now, if they do sleep through the night, I can’t sleep at all, and if the don’t sleep through the night, I’m fighting to stay awake!
Big Bro seems to have perked up after an epic 15 hour sleep. One down, two to go! x