I thought that I was doing okay. I truly believed that finally, I had managed to beat the black dog into submission and sent it crawling off with it’s tail between it’s legs. It seemed like the hard work I had put in over the months, was starting to pay off, and that there really was some light, glimmering hopefully at the end of the dark, depressive tunnel I’d found myself in.
Even though I had to drop out of my CBT Group Therapy due to childcare issues, the effect it had on me was amazing. I went out of the house more – something that in and of itself was a huge leap of faith. I became more daring with the colours I chose to wear, choosing brighter colours over the drab black and brown shades, that I usually adorned myself in. I switched Big Bro’s nursery to a closer, nicer one and got to witness his beaming face when finally, his mummy started to pick him up after each session. I began interacting more with his teachers – providing them with heaps of information and making sure that they understood his condition properly, with wonderful results for his confidence. I even started looking for work.
Then it all came crashing down.
I had to face the prospect of being alone with all three children for two days of the week. The thought filled me with so much anxiety that what little sleep I somehow manage to have, reduced itself to almost nothing. I ran over and over the scenarios in my head, working myself up into a nervous wreck so much so, that by Thursday – the first day of parenting alone, I had forgotten everything that I had previously learned about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, ultimately letting the black dog – more formally known as depression, come leaping back in.
It seems so stupid doesn’t it? It’s just three children right? I mean yeah, there’s going to be tantrums, most probably tears as well, but how bad can it really be? Let me explain.
I don’t know why but I have zero confidence when I’m on my own with my children. Maybe it’s the constant criticism that I’ve had from certain people, the interfering in my own methods of parenting, that has made me have so little faith in my ability to be a good mother. When you’re constantly being told that your state of mind is mere laziness, that your inability to function sometimes is just an excuse to sit on your backside and do nothing, that you use the people around you to achieve your own ends, then it’s pretty self explanatory. What’s more, when you see it in the eyes of your own partner, it cuts deeper than any knife could.
I find it really hard to play with my children. I look at The Beef with envy when he’s rolling around the floor, with a pile of mini people piled on top of him, laughing, smiling and enjoying themselves. I’d love to be the one doing that – pull all of the toys out and make-believe tea parties, pretend to be a zoo-keeper, or play shops, but something stops me. I don’t know what it is, but something in the back of my mind prevents me from just doing it. Maybe it’s a deep rooted fear that I’m not good enough – heck I’ve said it enough in the heat of the moment, but even knowing that, I can still barely do it.
This is why it’s so hard when I’m doing the mummy thing alone. They get bored and despite my best efforts to amuse them, to play with them in the only ways that I know how, it’s never enough and all of those anxious predictions that I made, start turning into a reality. They stop wanting mummy to play with them, they act out and fight at every little thing that I try to do for them. And when daddy comes home, it’s hugs, kisses, rough and tumble, with me in the background feeling like a failure, with no-one but the black dog.
Maybe it’s just a blip, maybe not. I’m on the waiting list for 1-to-1 CBT, but it’s a long wait that can’t come soon enough and I’m afraid that by the time that comes, it will be too late, and I will have lost everything.
Does the black dog re-visit you now and then? How do you deal with it when it returns, or does it ever truly go away?
I have had depression once in my life many many years ago. I also had CBT and Prozac for a year. It all helped me to get out of it and I am lucky it hasn’t returned. I didn’t have children at that point in my life and life was very different. I would say to you to think of this as a blip on the recovery road. It happens to many and after all the great things you have managed to achieve with the help of the CBT it shows that the real you is still in there and just needs more support to come back out again. Can you plan your two days in advance with your children what you are going to do? Would anything like that help? X
I think more planning would definitely help me out, if only to give me a rough guide of where my head will be at. Big Bro is usually at nursery all day on a Thursday, only this week I had to keep him home – which might be part of why I’m all over the place. It’s difficult because the will is there, just not the power, which is something I need to work on.
You’re right though, to think of this as just a blip is probably the best way forward. Thank you for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it.
You’re welcome. Good luck! Use ‘this is just a blip’ as your mantra. It’s not always a straight road to get where you want to be after all. Winding with the odd distraction here and there I think of it as x
My mom and stepdad told me how unworthy I was all the time. I was so ugly I’d never get a man to want to be with me, I was a freak (reference to how easy school came to me), I was stupid, would never amount to anything … my mom took it further by telling me how I’d ruined her life, that I was her biggest mistake, how I was such a bad person, … I heard this daily. For me. I got angry and felt determined to prove them wrong. I’m 42 yrs old and haven’t talked to my mom in years and sometimes those feelings still pop up in my head. I don’t know if we can ever forget but I make them drive me to do whatever it is I’m feeling insecure about.
Agree with the planning. Sometimes writing out a plan and then being able to check things off as done can give you a bit of confidence to face your next task. Hang in there. It’s the people who “never have insecurities” that scare me …
Hell you really did get it hard – what an inspiration you are, for turning it around and using the anger as a driving force. I can’t begin to imagine what it must have been like. My mother is no longer around now but it wasn’t until later on in life that we forged some kind of rocky relationship. It wasn’t so much that she went out of her way to make me feel like crap – it was the lack of enthusiasm, she only really cared about herself.
After the incident with my MIL, I did say to myself that I would prove her and everyone else wrong, just sometimes I think life knocks me and I loose track of why I’m doing what I’m doing. It’s hard to keep perspective in those moments. So yes, lists. Small goals to build my confidence that are achievable. Thank you though for sharing your experience – it’s reminded me that there is always something that I can do, to overcome a situation.
I know just how you feel, I am hopeless at playing with the kids!
I do think it is just a blip though, as the CBT seemed to really help you. I hate to admit it but Cbeebies is often put on in my house as I just can’t cope, the kids know that mummy can do some playing but then has to do the tidying or making food for lunch or dinner.
Being a mum really is the hardest job in the world, never forget that! I have many friends who freely admit that they go to work for a break.
I have no idea how you deal with three little ones, two is hard enough!!! You are doing a great job and the kids don’t really care if you don’t play with them, they just care that you are there and provide for them.
Some of my favourite things to do in the house with the kids are – get the kids CDs out give them something to shake or bang along to the music; let them have a pan and wooden spoon each they love feeling grown up; have an indoor picnic with non-messy food makes meal times more interesting for them; pile all the sofa cussions on the floor and read a story snuggled on them or get into bed and read a story; build a town for the kids using whatever play bits you have – train sets, cars, duplo houses etc; using old toilet rolls to put on the kids arms then they can pretend to be robots…. just some ideas, but like my two probably won’t last very long until they want to move onto the next thing!!! Doh!
Cx
Oh yes, Cbeebies is utilised a lot in this house – which I loathe to do, but sometimes it’s the only thing I can do. I feel for my eldest the most. Three days a week he is at nursery, but on the other days I just don’t know what to do with him, because my time is so consumed with the twins.
I really like some of your suggestions – especially the cardboard robots, that’s just groovy! One of the downsides is that Big Bro is at the stage where he won’t let the twins anywhere near his stuff, and really looses it if they so much as touch them. Perhaps I should put some toys aside that only come out, if they all play together.
I’m sure things will get easier as the twins become more independent.
You’re absolutely right. Things will get easier as the twins get bigger. They will demand less of your time, they will learn some patience and independence, and you will begin to be able to pull it back more easily. What you describe I felt at times with all 5 of mine – it’s easy to feel second best, but they love you every bit as much as they love their Dad and you must always remember that. Mine get bored of playing with me too, and that’s fine, it’s normal. We all use CBeebies as a babysitter sometimes – I find movies are better because they stretch them more and I can convince myself I’m doing a good thing! Take photo’s – you will forget a lot of this time and photos will not only be there for you to remember the good, the smiles, the laughs, it will also reinforce them.
The planning sounds like a great tool, build in some time for YOU every day. If Dad is happy to have a half hour rough and tumble when he gets in, or at 6.30pm or whenever then make that your time. Have a bath, read a book, go for a walk alone, bake a cake, take up Playstation gaming or whatever, but do it for you because you are still important and 24 hour care of 3 young children is really hard work. Also build in some time for you and your partner – even if it’s a 5 minute massage each before you fall into bed, or something more decadent like a meal by candlelight at the dining table once they’re in bed, it keeps you together and helps you feel valued and loved.
I had a period where I didn’t leave the house for 8 months except to go to work. I bought food for my childrens’ tea at the newsagents opposite work and I was disgusted with myself for it. I saw no-one unless they came round, and on the rare occasions that they did I hated them for it. I felt a complete failure in every aspect. It comes back every now and again, but I’m stronger now, and I might stay in with a daft excuse or reason sometimes, but I determine not to let it beat me and make an appointment or invite round friends I can’t get out of without having to explain myself, which makes me do it!
I hope you find your way to back that dog into his kennel soon x
Thank you very much for your reply – it certainly puts things into perspective. I especially like your comment about taking photos. I realised that I don’t take enough of them and a lot of them don’t have me in! When they’ve all grown up and flown the hobbit hole, they will be all that I have as a reminder.
Looks like I need to tough it out and not think too far ahead – that’s when the anxiety kicks in and I start doubting myself. I’m just glad that I came back to blogging after all and to the wonderful support that I’ve found from yourself and others online. It’s a breath of fresh air, really it is.
I must admit that when my kids were younger I found being alone with them for long days wasn’t as enjoyable as I thought it ‘should be’. They are hard work and when you have small ones that can’t really communicate it’s really frustrating and you do lose a bit of ‘you’. It’s like you aren’t you anymore you are ‘just mum’.
Hang in there x
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Yep you’re right there. That feeling of ‘just mum’ is hard to shake when that’s pretty much what your life is devoted to. I’ve also found that it manifests itself into your relationship with your other half in places, and whether it’s just paranoia from being depended upon so much, or not, there is always the creeping notion that that’s how he/she sees you too. Naturally if you voice such a thought, it *is* put down to paranoia, which doesn’t help.
Hello. What a brave and honest post. I totally get where you’re coming from as it’s a place I also visit from time to time. I try to remind myself that actually, it’s OK not to be OK all of the time. That a bad day (or several) does not have to equal a slippery slope back down. That parenting is incredibly hard, and there is no such thing as a perfect mum. I’ve written a few posts on this, recently. I hope this one might help you. Stay strong xx
http://mummykindness.com/2013/01/20/having-a-word-with-myself/
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I read your post and I’m really thankful that I did, thank you for sharing it with me. Since writing this blog post, the idea of taking some time to be grateful for what I do have, has been something that I’ve been giving some serious thought to, so your comment couldn’t have come at a better time!
What you wrote is right. It is what it is and although it can be one of the hardest things to have to go through (I also get low when there is sickness in the house, and when it dark and gloomy outside), it really can’t be helped.