There is a power struggle going on, in my small little family. Not between me, The Beef, The Twins or Big Bro. No, the elephant in the room is my mother-in-law. Well, I say mother in law because it’s an easier way of explaining my relationship with her. Me and The Beef, aren’t married, so technically she’s just my boyfriend’s mother. Oh. Yeah, and she happens to be The Twins grandmother – that too, and that is where the swords are drawn and where the stand-off exists.
At first things were great. In the same way that The Beef took Big Bro under his wing, and treat him as if he was his own son, so did his mother treat him as if he were her grandson. Everything was fine, we were all happy, she didn’t much take over and we were left to our own devices.
Then I found out I was pregnant with twins.
She got a little too eager, wanting to pay for everything, making sure she took Big Bro off for holidays so I could have a break. She was nice to me, she seemed genuinely caring. Every day I would have messages from her, asking how I was, how I was doing – to hold on in there because it wouldn’t be long. Once, she even said that she thought of me as a daughter and I believed it.
When the twins arrived, things changed almost overnight.
She stopped messaging me. She stopped making conversation with me. If I was left alone, in the same room as her, there would be one-word answers. She stopped taking Big Bro to her house for breaks. Slowly she started commenting to The Beef about me not going out much, asking if he was OK. Did he need a break? Did he want to go to her house with the twins for a week and get away from it all? On Christmas Day last year, she finally expressed her feelings to me, cornering me in the back garden. I had just found out the news that my mum had died fifteen minutes ago. I was smoking a cigarette to try to keep myself together for the kids, and she cornered me, going on about how The Beef did an ‘awful lot’ for me and that she thought I was using him.
Naturally I was distraught!
I took it on the chin thought, like I usually do and got on with things. The comments over the months, starting coming in faster – she’d dig at me indirectly, so that only I knew what she meant. She started taking over with the twins when she visited, leaving me feeling invisible, with no say in anything.
It now feels like it’s come to a head.
In the beginning of November, it’s the twins first birthday, and she promptly announced that she has planned it all – the cake (which I didn’t want), the banners, balloons, big elaborate presents (which I also didn’t want). It’s all been planned. I’m really pissed off by this because I want to be the one, along with The Beef, to create that special first birthday memory. I let it slide though, I don’t want a fight on my hands. I just want people to get along.
She was opening savings account for the twins, so they have something put aside, along with their older brother, for when they turn 18. I was pleased about this, until she refused to give us the account details, so none of my family can contribute to their fund! She then drops the bigger bombshell – their account has a limit of £1,200 a year each, and she is giving them £100 a month each – making it impossible for anyone else to contribute. I’m angry because she’s done this in a very sly way, with the result being her alienating my side of the family. What I’m more angry about though, is that I can’t afford to put that amount into Big Bro’s account – so when they are all older and finally have access to their money, he is going to have drastically less than his younger brother and sister.
I’m trying to raise my children to be thoughtful, kind, selfless, with a love of each other, yet this woman seems to want to drive a wedge right through our efforts. She has deep-rooted misgivings about me and I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve that kind of negative attention. The arguments that have sprung up, with their beginnings being something that she has done, or said, are heart-breaking, because me and The Beef never argue about anything else other than her.
I’m in a dilemma ladies and gents. I feel too vulnerable right now to stand up to her. I don’t have the strength to make my voice heard. To her I’m the one stereotype that she despises – a fat, lazy woman, who sits on her arse all day. The Beef’s efforts are fruitless too. He confronts her – if somewhat timidly, and is immediately shouted down – she will do what she wants anyway.
I’m of two minds. Do I leave it all be and allow her to treat me like filth – let her shower praise on the twins and her precious son, and yet allow her to verbally abuse the person who apparently she “thinks of as a daughter”, and ignore her “adopted grandson”? Or do I grow a pair of proverbial balls – the balls that The Beef doesn’t seem to have, and give her an ultimatum? Show her what she is doing to me, to my son and to mine and The Beef’s relationship?
My third option is to rise above it. Ignore the comments. Prove to myself that I am better than her, in that I can walk away and not rise to the bait. Think of all the stupid things she’s said such as her firm belief that ‘The Sun’ is not a star…it’s ‘A Sun’. *face palm* Do I make something of myself and show her that I can be better than she is, that I’m not going to be the person she wants me to be and that no matter what she does or says, my relationship with her son, is too strong and grounded for her to break so easily?
My sister (who is also beside herself with anger at my treatment), once said something to me that, I think I may use in my M.I.L‘s case. She said, “Whenever I’m really pissed off with someone, or I don’t want to listen to their shit – I try to imagine what they would look like naked. In a purely non-sexual way. They could be right in my face, screaming and shouting and I’d be there, laughing inwardly at my imaginary version of themselves.” I tend to think she could be on to a winner here.
Let’s face it, how could you be angry, pissed off, or even stressed out with someone, if in your head, you’re looking at them in their most vulnerable state?
What are your thoughts on this? Do you have a M.I.L who you just don’t get on with? What elephants are in your room?
Is it possible to rise above it, but distance yourself, just a bit at a time. Maybe not answering the call when you know its her. Taking your twins to a toddler group without her knowledge. Show her, in a smiling on the outside type of way, that you are not her punching bag. Personally I’d laughingly bring up her blunders and lack of general knowledge in front of others, in a ‘bless her’ type of way
x
I think that is probably the best route to go down. At least that way, I don’t tread on my other half’s toes, in making him choose between us – that wouldn’t be fair. I certainly remember all of her little blunders. They’re all stored up in the brain, waiting for a chance for me to get a little pay-pack. I’m not huge on revenge, it can get nasty, but a little teeny tiny bit won’t hurt surely.
Oh Jesus, that’s a toughie. Right, I am going to tell you what I would do, please don’t take this as anything other than that, you have to do what is right for your children and you.
Sod the moral high ground, that would be it, especially after the incident after you’d found out about your mother. The birthday do would be the last straw and I’d take the kids out somewhere else that day. As for the accounts, can your family not have their own one?
Sending you hugs. Whenever I am feeling vulnerable I tell myself something I heard from that film The Help.
You are smart, you are kind, you are important xx
Thank you, thank you, thank you! What you’ve said there, makes so much sense and I really do appreciate it.
You know, once I wouldn’t have thought twice about doing what I believed to be right. I was confident, to the point and unafraid of what others might do or say, in relation to my actions. Over the years though, I’ve turned inward and have become so self-critical, it beggers belief.
I am decided on the bank accounts. I’m going to open my own and screw the consequences. So what if they have to pay a little more tax – at least they’ll get what people want to gift to them.
As for the Birthday, my older sister will probably be there and hopefully a few other members of my family – so god help that woman if she crosses me in front of my sister. I feel stronger with her around!
oh dude, I’m speechless, truly. I can’t believe someone could do that! I really can’t speak from experience but the only thing I would say is that whatever you decide to do, and whichever route you choose to take, absolutely no one can say you’ve done anything wrong or had anything other than their best interests at heart. Ultimately, you are their mother, and until they are old enough to, you are their decision maker, not some jealous control freak of a mother in law. Good luck darling, sounds like you’re gonna need it!! xx
Apparently the next time she comes down, we’re going for a walk to ‘clear the air’. This may actually be a good opportunity for me to be strong, and say what *I* want to say for a change. I’m telling you though, I’ll be using EVERYTHING I’ve learned in group therapy so far, to make sure I don’t get walked all over again!
It’s difficult – she needs to told how you feel though. If The Beef can’t / won’t do it (after all it’s his Mum whether she’s good or bad!) then you will have to.
My suggestion is that the walk you mention above should be just you and her. Explain that you appreciate that she loves her son and your children but 1st birthdays are important to parents.. she’s welcome to help out with things but not to take over..
YOu never know she may not even realise she’s being seen as taking over..
Oh and the money thing…well that’s just wrong..but how to get around that one..
My oldest boy is currently with his girlfriend and they get married next year. I’m very much aware that I don’t want to be seen as interferring but feel I may go the other way and not do enough!!
Things came to head last christmas for us too. I won a Vera Wang perfume that I knew the GF would love so kept it for her for christmas, I also bought some other bits and bobs for her.. wrongly I mentioned to son that I won it and he told the GF. She took offense that I gave her something I won rather than something I bought!!! You really can’t please everyone.
‘Damned if you do – Damed if you don’t’
Hope your clear the air time works.. Good Luck..
Thank you Sue – much of what you say makes perfect sense to me, and in a way I truly do believe, that she is unaware of just how bad she makes me feel sometimes. I’m welcoming the opportunity to clear the air a bit and am firmly dedicated to air ALL of my grievances. At least then, it will be all out in the open, and won’t battling around in my head.
The Beef is kind of in a tricky spot. While it does bug the life out of me that he can’t seem to stand up to his mother and back me up a bit, I also know that mostly, it would be a futile effort, as past experiences have shown that she will do as she pleases anyway. There have been glimpses that even *he* is starting to have enough of it! Perhaps this is a good thing.
As for the twin’s accounts. I’ve decided she can do what the hell she wants with the ones she’s set up. Yesterday, I went and set a cash ISA for them both, as I’m pretty sure she avoided that type of account for some reason. At least my own family can now gift them the money that they intended!
My in-laws live 5600 miles away in South Africa, thankfully, ‘cos I’d be in jail for murder if they lived close by….
I’m only joking, but I do know what it’s like. I have had a tough relationship with them, they don’t approve of me, of where I’ve come from, my family, etc. They see themselves as respectable, middle class, and above us. They had an idea in mind for the “ideal” wife for their son’s and I’m not it. They’re very critical of me, and blame everything on me, and feel like I’ve taken their son away, when in fact he left South Africa when he was 21 well before he met me, to try and get away from them.
I’ve put up with it for 11 years, but it got too much, their annual visits, make me so stressed and anxious, and last year when they came, it was a nightmare.
We’ve started to distance ourselves, a lot, we still e-mail and call them and I send them photos and updates but we’ve cut them out of a lot of our life, we don’t seek their advice on things, we don’t tell them stuff unless it’s necessary (they also talk about us behind our backs to the rest of the family) and I think they’ve got the message. They’ve backed off a lot. My husband has also sent several very firm e-mails, setting down some boundaries and had a phone call with them where he was very tough. I think they’ve got the message. They don’t want to loose contact with their grandchildren, so they’re being better about what they say, and interfering.
I think saying something is important, and also a bit of distance. Also, get your partner on side and talk to him, it’s HIS mum but you are the mother of his kids, so she needs to respect that and back off! Good luck, families, specially in-laws, can be a nightmare!!
Eeek that sounds really uncomfortable – I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that for so long! It’s good that you’ve finally got a bit of distance and firm ground in place though. You deserve a medal lady!
I’ve always had the feeling that in my MIL’s eyes I will never be good enough. Lord knows I’ve tried my best. She’s also been like this with The Beef’s past girlfriends but I can see no reason for her being like it, other than to assert her authority. I can talk to The Beef until I’m blue in the face and I know that he listens – he just needs a good jolt back into reality. With the Birthday coming up soon, I have a feeling his mum may over-step the mark and *then* he will wake up to it all.
Either way, I’m making sure I have some people over who care about me enough to support me, should I need it on the day! Thank’s so much for your comment – there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
I haven’t read the other comments so I’m not swayed! But I seriously think you need to have it out with her. This is bound to affect your relationship with the other half at some point because the day will come when he’ll not be able to cope with you and his mum being at logger-heads. Men are softies, they turn to their mums in a crisis. I don’t mean that rudely, but it’s true. And the minute he does that, she’s got you over a barrel. She’s controlling what goes on in your family and that’s totally out of order. It’s your family, children that you brought into the world. She maybe their grandparent but she doesn’t have a right to take over in the way she is doing. Sorry to speak so bluntly, but I had a very similar problem with my ex-mother-in-law. We didn’t have children but she wanted to control my ex-husband and even insisted we got married because she didn’t like us living in sin. It didn’t fit in with her Christian values. Plus, I found out that my ex-husband had been giving her money out of our joint savings account because she was hard up, but he never told me about it. I only found out when I went to the bank one day and took the bank book with me to be updated. I think I should have realised then that our marriage was over because he was doing things behind my back and his mother was encouraging him not to tell me.
Take care,
CJ x
Thanks for your comment and please, don’t apologise for being blunt! I have a distinct lack of bluntness, so it’s good to hear it in a no-nonsense kind of way. What you have said, is pretty much in agreement with the other comments I’ve received on this post, and the general consensus is, “Have it out with her!”. The Beef is already starting to have enough of the ‘piggy-in-the-middle’ situation he’s found himself in, and while he isn’t blameless, I can’t let it ruin our relationship. We’ve worked extremely hard, and fought many battles to be where we are now, so to throw it all away because of one person, would be madness.
First time visiting here but read this and had to send my love. No advice for you as I do not know you, so have no idea what will work best for you but I pray you can find a way though this situation. Mich x
Thank you for dropping by and for taking the time to comment. I appreciate that sometimes there’s not an awful lot a person can say, when they aren’t personally involved. Your kind words, are not lost on me though and I thank you very much for writing them.
Things have quietened down for the time being, which is a blessing and I’m able to get on with life, at a relatively peaceful pace. (I did go and open savings accounts for the twins myself though
)
Hello Stacey, I have read your dilemma and it would be easy for me to say, yeah take the high ground, but it wouldn’t be right. It’s time for the pair (yes, The beef really needs to be a part of this) of you to grow some balls. Your MIL is a bully of the worst kind. The kind who uses a passive-agressive stance to throw you in a loop. It’s a way to make herself look innocent in the eyes of others while jabbing you with a pitchfork when no one is looking.
I say speak up and be united because if you let her do this to you now, then you are telling you children it’s okay to have someone bully you. Children learn whether we mean for them to or not. I say stand your ground and take control of your life. It will be hard because no one likes to start a confrontation, but do you really want to kow-tow to your MIL forever?
If it were me I would tell her she has no contact with anyone in the family, even TheBeef, until she learns to respect your household. Let me put this way. If she were in the same situation, would she let someone get away with things as they are? I don’t know her well, but just from this description, I say “HELL NO”. So you don’t either.
I hope I didn’t step on any toes, but like your sister I do not care for the state of matters your MIL has put you and your family in. It shows how devious she can be when she approached you at your most vulnerable time, the passing of your mother. Stay strong and believe in yourself. Good luck and I hope the elephant decides to find another victim to stomp on.
Warmest Regards,
Busanee Dominguez
Hi Busanee and thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment here.
Like a lot of the feedback I’ve had on this situation, what you’ve said, only confirms what I’ve felt deep down inside for a long time, but have never had the courage to act upon. You certainly haven’t stepped on anybody’s toes! It’s the kind of thing that I’ve needed to hear, in order to give myself a good kick up the rear!
I’ve started putting the wheels in motion already – albeit small steps, but each step and each defiance is making me stronger and giving me the courage to make even bigger changes. I’ve had enough of being trodden on and not being able to say the word “no”. The less timid and more assertive female in me, is starting to make an appearance and thanks to the wonderful comments and words of encouragement that I’ve received here, I know that I can do it!
Thank you!!
You’re welcome. There is always strength in numbers. I know you can do and I wish you the best.