Nearly four weeks ago, I took the decision to see my doctor about medication. I’m on the waiting list for more CBT but things were getting to the point, where I couldn’t wait any longer for some relief. With this in mind, my doctor prescribed me with some anti-anxiety tablets – a small dose to start off with – and to check back in a month.
I’m so glad I made that decision.
It took around two and a half weeks for me to notice any changes, and for much of the time they have been very subtle, yet changes there have been and they have already begun to have a positive effect on life as a whole.
The first thing I noticed, was that for the first time, in a very long time, I was on the floor playing with my children. When I realised what I was doing, I had to stop and pinch myself. For months, if not years, I would be the one tucked into the corner of the sofa, trying my best to do something other than playing, because somehow, for some irrational reason, it felt strange, awkward and uncomfortable. Now, I was laying on the floor on a mound of cushions, with two one year olds and a three year old climbing on top of me, and we were all laughing! Laughing I tell you! I don’t know when the last time I truly laughed like that was, but it was there and it felt good!
The second thing I noticed, was my sleeping habits. On any given night, I would be up two or three times or laying wide awake worrying. My mind was in a state of constant activity, rarely giving me the chance to just sleep. Now however, I’ve been sleeping like a baby. In-fact I’ve been sleeping so well, that I’ve been sleeping through the cries of the children waking during the small hours, and The Beef has had to get up and take care of them. I’m still left feeling tired in the mornings, and it’s not every night that I sleep that well, but it’s an improvement from the zombie that I was a few weeks ago.
Some other things are:
- Using the phone more – I hate talking on the phone, but slowly my confidence is growing in this area
- Not putting off appointments – for instance if I knew I had a doctor’s appointment, I would push it to the back of my mind and then at the very last minute, I would cancel
- Talking to actual people – at the nursery gates, I’ve actually been opening my mouth and talking. I would never have dreamed of doing that previously!
One final thing that really has been wonderful, is today I took Big Bro to nursery for the first time. I know, it’s a small thing but for me it’s huge. For a while now, I’ve been collecting him from nursery but for some reason I’ve been terrified of taking him. I can’t explain it really, it just scared me. This morning however, The Beef asked me if I would do the honours and instead of wiggling my way out of it, I said yes. For the first time, I got to see Big Bro chatting to his friends, picking out his name tag and putting it up on the wall, going to the toilet by himself and after hugging me goodbye, running off to join the rest of the class. It showed me just how confidant he is and how well he is doing, and it also reaffirmed to me that I was doing right by him too.
There are things I still need to work on – going out is still an issue, and so on seeing my doctor today, we’ve increased my dose a little. It’s a start however and one that I hope will continue to have a really positive effect.
Today I am linking up with The Olivers Mad House, as I believe that although it isn’t a single moment, what is happening is magic.