Tonight it feels like I’ve hit a turning point, in understanding part of why I am in a constant cycle of feeling rubbish. Tuesday evening is when I attend my regular group therapy session, to help me combat my self-esteem issues. This evening, among the many other useful bits of information that I learned, I discovered the vicious circle that can be fed by constantly seeking reassurance from others.
The general idea behind it, goes something like this:
When we are in the habit of constantly seeking another’s reassurance, we do so for many reasons. These reasons can be some or a combination of many things. From personal experience, when I ask for someone’s reassurance on whether something I am doing is right, or okay, or a good idea and I get positive feedback from that, I feel good about myself. I get an instant lift to my confidence, I’ve made a good decision, I have someone’s approval, I’ve done the right thing. Moreover, since I get such a good feeling from someone else’s opinions and thoughts, I then go on to seek more approval, until it’s an unconscious habit – I don’t even realise that I’m doing it.
The flip side of this is when I seek approval or reassurance and the response that I get, is a negative one. “Actually no, the meal you made was rubbish”,” yes your bum does look big in that”, “that was a really bad decision”, “that really looks crap on you”. When this happens, that high-spirited mood that I was feeling, is sent crashing back down into the depths of oblivion. I now feel like a pile of worthless doggy doo doo.
It begs the question really of “Is this really a reliable way to boost my self-esteem?”
If one minute I’m on a high because of someone else’s opinion, then the next moment I’m incredibly low because of it, then surely seeking reassurance so much, is not as good for me as I previously thought. Perhaps the person that I should be getting reassurance from is myself.
This week we’ve been set a little behavioural experiment. We are to consciously reduce the amount of time we spend, seeking reassurance from other people and make an effort to record what we discover about ourselves (and those around us). It will be interesting to see what I personally find out about myself. I’m someone who unconsciously does this multiples times a day – too many times to count actually. Will I find that making more decisions for myself, without the input of others, will lead me to a more sustainable way of feeling good? How hard is it going to be for me to actually take the reins so-to-speak and to act on my own convictions, instead of somebody else’s?
We were given some words of advice for when we carry out this experiment. It may be that our partners/friends/family, find this change in us not to their liking. They may even wish for us to return to the old, comfortable ways that they were used to. Perhaps our reassurance seeking, gave them a boost to their own confidence and they fed off of it? In those situations, it is important for us to be consistent It is also important that those around us, give us a little room to grow, or to step back – whichever direction we’re going in. Perhaps they will need to change the way that they perceive us and accept that we are taking small steps, towards a greater goal and that greater goal is the hardest, most soul-searching, emotional things that we will ever have to do.
Onwards and upwards my friends.
What do you think about our habits of seeking reassurance from our nearest and dearest? Do you find it sometimes detrimental? Have you ever made the decision to reduce the amount of reassurance you seek? If so, what did you discover about yourself?
I try to live my days (I take each day as it comes!) by the motto “Say it with confidence and everyone will believe you”. It’s so true and amazing how far you can get with a bit of confidence in your voice even if you don’t believe what your saying yourself! Good luck and believe in what you do. xxx
Thank you Anna – that’s a great motto to live by. I must admit, I’m looking forward to trying this out over the week. I have a feeling that it may disgruntle a few people, but that’s not who I’m doing it for!
I say bloody go for it! Your are a star that burns brighter than you realise. See your own light and you will be amazed and dazzled as I am by your greatness. You have so much you are yet to achieve because you can achieve what ever you aim for!
You know, that almost sounded like a passage from “The Lord of The Rings” oh great elven sister. No really, all joking aside, I appreciate all of the support you’ve given me. Without your gentle encouragement, I don’t think I would even be going to this group!
Yeah you would, you have amazing inner strength, however you are yet to learn how to channel it, when others challenge and surround you! The reason I know you have tremendous inner strength is because you have already shown it… Big Bro is your living proof! Once you have learnt to channel it at your will there will be no stopping you!!!
You make a fair point there. If I can go through everything that I did with him, then there’s no reason why I can’t channel that strength in other areas of my life!
I believe everyone looks for reassurance for a little moral booster once in awhile. I mean I know I have. Like I might say I can’t wait to see so and so, why? Because I know I’ll get my moral boost. The experiment sounds like a good idea. It never hurts to look within yourself for strength. You may discover a strength long hidden but never nurtured. Good luck with it all.
Thank you! I think the experiment will be interesting for me personally, because I tend to overdo my reassurance seeking, to the point where I’m incapable of making my own decisions. So far I’m pleasantly surprised. I’ve found out that actually, I can be decisive on some important issues.
Oh heck, that sounds just like me! Maybe I will join you and make that my task for the week?! Do you have any other tips or resources that I could read through?
Like Your Big Sister said I think you do have it in you, you come across as confident through your blog and if you can cope with all you went through with BigBro, well, I think you will suprise yourself!
Cx
I don’t have anything you can read, as this was something that came up randomly in a discussion, and turned into a task we could all try. One of the group leaders, suggested spending one day, over-doing it on the reassurance seeking – so asking everyone, all of the time, non stop, on everything! Then, the next day, don’t do it at all. Nothing! An alternative could be to do an hour on and an hour off. So seek reassurance for an hour, then spend an hour not doing it at all. The best tip I had, was to write down what you learn from doing it, then it’s easier to reflect.
I know I come across as fairly confident on my blog – that’s because no-one is looking at me lol! In a face to face situation I find it so much more difficult. Also when I’m faced with someone who has a strong, overbearing character, I find it difficult to speak up!
Good luck! I’m certainly learning more about myself by doing it and shall make an effort to post what I do learn. x