Tag Archives: Group therapy

Seeking Reassurance – What If We Didn’t?

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Tonight it feels like I’ve hit a turning point, in understanding part of why I am in a constant cycle of feeling rubbish. Tuesday evening is when I attend my regular group therapy session, to help me combat my self-esteem issues. This evening, among the many other useful bits of information that I learned, I discovered the vicious circle that can be fed by constantly seeking reassurance from others.

The general idea behind it, goes something like this:

When we are in the habit of constantly seeking another’s reassurance, we do so for many reasons. These reasons can be some or a combination of many things. From personal experience, when I ask for someone’s reassurance on whether something I am doing is right, or okay, or a good idea and I get positive feedback from that, I feel good about myself. I get an instant lift to my confidence, I’ve made a good decision, I have someone’s approval, I’ve done the right thing. Moreover, since I get such a good feeling from someone else’s opinions and thoughts, I then go on to seek more approval, until it’s an unconscious habit – I don’t even realise that I’m doing it.

The flip side of this is when I seek approval or reassurance and the response that I get, is a negative one. “Actually no, the meal you made was rubbish”,” yes your bum does look big in that”, “that was a really bad decision”, “that really looks crap on you”. When this happens, that high-spirited mood that I was feeling, is sent crashing back down into the depths of oblivion. I now feel like a pile of worthless doggy doo doo.

It begs the question really of “Is this really a reliable way to boost my self-esteem?”

If one minute I’m on a high because of someone else’s opinion, then the next moment I’m incredibly low because of it, then surely seeking reassurance so much, is not as good for me as I previously thought. Perhaps the person that I should be getting reassurance from is myself.

This week we’ve been set a little behavioural experiment. We are to consciously reduce the amount of time we spend, seeking reassurance from other people and make an effort to record what we discover about ourselves (and those around us). It will be interesting to see what I personally find out about myself. I’m someone who unconsciously does this multiples times a day – too many times to count actually. Will I find that making more decisions for myself, without the input of others, will lead me to a more sustainable way of feeling good? How hard is it going to be for me to actually take the reins so-to-speak and to act on my own convictions, instead of somebody else’s?

We were given some words of advice for when we carry out this experiment. It may be that our partners/friends/family, find this change in us not to their liking. They may even wish for us to return to the old, comfortable ways that they were used to. Perhaps our reassurance seeking, gave them a boost to their own confidence and they fed off of it? In those situations, it is important for us to be consistent  It is also important that those around us, give us a little room to grow, or to step back – whichever direction we’re going in. Perhaps they will need to change the way that they perceive us and accept that we are taking small steps, towards a greater goal and that greater goal is the hardest, most soul-searching, emotional things that we will ever have to do.

Onwards and upwards my friends.

What do you think about our habits of seeking reassurance from our nearest and dearest? Do you find it sometimes detrimental? Have you ever made the decision to reduce the amount of reassurance you seek? If so, what did you discover about yourself?

Lessons Learned This Week

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I don’t really have anything concrete to talk about right now, but I do have the undeniable urge to write, so I thought I’d just check-in, and go over a few things that have happened this week. It’s for my peace of mind, more than anything else – a way to purge my head of a load of junk, in order to find some semblance of calm.

This week’s main event was my second group therapy, CBT session, on Tuesday. After the previous week’s opening two hours, I felt quite positive about the whole thing, but as the week grew on and the next session got closer, I began doubting it again. I do that a lot – the self-doubt thing. In almost everything I do, that little whisper of doubt, is in the back of my mind, niggling away, but I digress.

This time, I slowed down and tried to take everything in, that we were being taught. When you only have two hours each week, to learn the techniques needed, in order to change the entire way that you have been thinking, for years, it’s a lot to digest. However, having taken the time to reflect on it, I’ve learned quite a few important things.

Mindfulness 

Mindfulness is a technique used, to focus your attention on what is happening in your body. The example used with us was to sit comfortably in our chairs and to focus on the sole of our feet – the part of the body that is in contact with the floor. We were told to note the sensations in that part of our foot. Did it feel different to how it normally felt? Did we notice any other sensations in our bodies that we usually wouldn’t? If our minds began to wonder, we were asked to note the thoughts that made us drift, and to then gently, move our attention back to the foot. This constant re-focusing of your attention – drawing it back to the foot, is supposed to help you learn to be in-tune with your body and mind. To learn that whatever thoughts and emotions you may be experiencing, are just that – thoughts and emotions, and that they will also drift off.

Personally, I found this a really frustrating exercise. My problem was that I couldn’t focus on my foot – my thoughts kept flitting in and out, and yet I couldn’t focus on the thoughts either. It proved to highlight to me the sometimes conflicting nature of thoughts and that indeed, they are just that, thoughts. No matter how horrible, self-destructive and debilitating they can be at times, they are just thoughts, which I guess is the point of the exercise. (and I obviously say the word ‘thoughts’ too much)

Anxious Predictions

An Anxious Prediction, is when you get that “Oh I don’t want to do that” thought, and then proceed to predict what would happen, if you followed through with the thing that you didn’t want to do. For example, one of my anxious predictions is, “I really don’t want to take Big Bro to nursery, because I’ll have to walk and walking makes me hot and sweaty. If I’m hot and sweaty, people will look at me funny and think I’m a mess, untidy, disgusting, and no-one will want to be nice to me.” Anxious predictions in someone who has an anxiety/self-esteem problem, tend to be crippling in their effect, because it stops that person from taking part in the things that make life enjoyable. If you’re constantly too anxious to go out because of the predictions you make, the likelihood is, you will avoid going out, in order to prevent those predictions from coming true.

I also learned a lot about self-esteem and lack of it, being able to have compassion for myself and the benefit of taking things slowly. So I will be taking things slowly. One step at a time.

If I don’t blog as often, it will be because I don’t feel as if I have anything worth saying. I’ve realised that I don’t need to blog every day. The blogosphere won’t disappear, if I miss a couple of days. I want what I do post, to be good quality and worth reading. My ambition in life is to write a book, so pouring my brain out onto this blog, without thinking about what I’m doing, is not going to help me improve my writing skills. One or two posts a week is what I’m going to aim for, so I hope you’ll all stick around to read them.

If you have anything else to add, in relation to things you’ve learned through therapy, or even just life experience, that you think may help with either mental health or my ambition to write, then please share your thoughts with me. I’m always interested in people’s opinions and read every comment I receive.

Thank you for reading.

 

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Group Therapy For Self-Esteem, Using CBT Methods

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Group Therapy, is one of those things that tends to have a big fat stigma, slapped on top of it. You can almost picture the scene – a group of people all sat in awkwardly in a circle, looking a bit shifty and trying to avoid each other’s gaze. A ball is thrown around the circle, and if it lands on you, it’s your turn to talk. That’s right, you have to stand up, open your mouth and pour out your inner-most fears, in-front of a load of strangers, who you couldn’t give a crap about.

Last night I attended my first self-esteem focused, group therapy session. As usual, I was late, so all eyes were on me, as I sheepishly sat myself down. Yes, we did sit in a circle (much to my amusement), however that’s where the similarities between that and my imaginary scenario ended.

This particular group therapy, is about raising your self-esteem and confidence, via the use of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy methods, in a group setting. Now, I’ve been using some CBT methods over the last few months, so I was somewhat familiar with what we would be doing, but I never realised how much more of an impact it could have, when you do it as a group, as opposed to on your own.

It wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it would be for one. Everyone there was in the same boat. They all have anxiety, self-esteem and issues with depression in one way or another. They’ve all been to that place called ‘rock bottom’ and don’t like what they see there and they all want to do something about it.

The two-hour session last night, was about introducing us to the way in which our thoughts, effect our feelings, which then effects our behaviour. For instance we were given the following scenario.

Scenario

Imagine that you are walking down the road and in the distance, you see a close friend walking towards you. The same friend then walks straight past you, without any kind of acknowledgement and on down the road. What is the first thing you would think?

What have I done wrong? – This is your thought.

Now, what does that one thought, make you feel?

Maybe you feel upset because you were ignored. Worried because you don’t know what you’ve done wrong. You might start to get anxious, have sweaty palms, hot flushes, be agitated, distracted. You may be frozen to the spot, not knowing what your next move should be.

These are all your body’s reactions to that one single thought. It’s startling how many emotions and feelings can come out of that thought.

Now, what do those feelings make you want to do?

You might forget about where you were going. Maybe that nice thing you were going to do for yourself, gets forgotten in the wave of feelings going on in your body. Perhaps, you might cry because you are confused and upset about why you were being ignored. You may go home, retreat into your comfort zone.

All of these things, triggered from one little thought. One small incident and your whole day is ruined.

Group Therapy For Self Esteem, Using CBT MethodsMy rudimentary triangle of thoughts, feelings and behaviour. MS Paint is your friend.

Our group leader then approached it a different way. What if on seeing your friend walk past without saying anything to you, you stopped and thought differently about it. What if, instead of presuming you had done something wrong, you turned and shouted after your friend? Perhaps you could have told yourself, “Oh she mustn’t have had her glasses on, I’ll give her a call later.”, or even, “She must be having a bad day, I’ll ring her later, to see if she is OK. ” If you approached it that way, do you think you would have ended up with the mental and physical reactions that you had in the first scenario? No. You may have just been curious and concerned. Your day certainly wouldn’t have been ruined by it.

This in essence is what the CBT approach to self-esteem is all about. It’s about being curious and looking at why we think, feel and behave in the way that we do. It’s about being able to know when we’re feeling anxious, and to be able to sit with that anxiety, knowing it’s there, but also not letting it overcome you. It’s about accepting that we will never be the uber, amazing, confident, perfect person that we want to be – that’s unrealistic, but also understanding that we don’t want to be the creature with no sense of self-worth, or self-respect, who doesn’t take risks and always stays inside her comfort zone. It’s about working in the middle – in the grey area, one step at a time. Knowing our limitations, and then being curious enough to push them a bit. It’s about giving it a go because there is nothing to lose.

I got a lot out of that one session and I left it feeling empowered. Research has shown that the more a person puts in to these sessions, and CBT itself, then the better the results are. Doing it in a group setting helps, because we can encourage each other with the knowledge that we’re all trying to reach the same goal, even if it’s in a round about kind of way. So, for the next eleven weeks, I will be pushing myself and putting as much as I can in it. For me, the grey area is where I want to be.

Please let me know your thoughts on this, as I’m always interested in hearing other people’s experiences, whether you’ve done group therapy or not. Just pop a comment below, or if you’d rather email me, then you can find my email address on my about page.